My father-in-law claims that for a long and happy marriage, every husband should offer an apology the moment he wakes up. To his spouse, that is. It takes care of all the real and perceived discomforts that might perhaps occur during the course of the day, he says.
Not many gentlemen follow this sensible advice, but a new research states that, on a day-to-day basis, women apologize more than men. It has something to do with our lower threshold of what we collectively constitute as offensive behaviour, it seems. Apparently, being perceived as rude is so abhorrent to us that we need to make ourselves less conspicuous before we speak up. Therefore, we are constantly apologizing.
“Men don’t actively resist saying sorry because they think it will make them appear weak or because they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions,” said study researcher Karina Schumann, a doctoral student in social psychology at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada. “When they think that they have done something wrong, they do apologize as frequently and sincerely as women. The only problem is that most men think they do fewer things wrong.”
Right! Meanwhile, how did my gender end up becoming the one that believes we are doing everything wrong? A whole lot of us even start our phone conversations and email correspondence by apologizing first. “Sorry, can you tell me which movies are playing this weekend?” or “Sorry for taking so long in replying to your mail” are as common in our everyday exchanges as “Sorry, will you take my order now?” or “Sorry, I’m feeling a little unwell today” or “Sorry, I don’t agree with your political ideology”.
For women, apologizing is a way of reconnecting with someone whose feelings they have hurt, however inadvertently. When a woman gets to know that something she has done has left another feeling offended or injured, she is usually quick to apologize.
But in the case of men, it’s a different theory altogether. They tend to view apologies as humiliating and a loss of face. Scholars of gender communication have observed that for men, verbal communication is tied up with their concern for the way their status is perceived by others. Thus, for a male to acknowledge that he has done something wrong often means that he feels diminished in the eyes of those who hear the apology. The result of this difference is that, in many cases, men are reluctant to apologize.
It is a known fact that women are apologetic all the time because we – the female of the species – are compelled to say sorry to maintain stable relationships, and sound polite. However, sometimes we are so busy apologising that we never get the opportunity to actually share our thoughts or opinions.
So, why can’t we communicate with confidence and switch to direct responses instead? We can still exude politeness when the situation calls for it, but prefacing questions with ‘sorry’ or ‘excuse me’ when not interrupting sends the message that we need permission to speak.
Recently, I tried out the direct approach.
“I forgot to set the alarm,” I told my husband this morning.
“Sorry,” he mumbled.
“Why you sorry?” I teased.
“A wise man told me to start each day like this,” he said.
“Excuse me?” I exclaimed involuntarily.
“For happy married life,” he continued.
“I’m listening,” I silently thanked my father-in-law.
“Really sorry. Sinto muito,” my spouse fumbled.
“De nada,” I replied immediately.
By Nickunj Malik
|| features@portugalresident.com
Nickunj Malik’s journalistic career began when she walked into the office of Khaleej Times newspaper in Dubai thirty-one years ago and got the job. Since then, her articles have appeared in various newspapers all over the world. She now resides in Portugal and is married to a banker who loves numbers more than words.
