By DR MICHAEL LOWRY features@algarveresident.com
Dr Michael Lowry is an experienced parent and educator, who regularly visits his Algarve home in Tavira. His work over many years in universities has led to increasing interest in, and understanding of teenagers, their problems and feelings. He has published widely in professional journals, and has delivered presentations at international conferences.
Q. My son aged 15 is forever asking for money to buy expensive sports shoes, despite the fact that the most sporting activity he engages in is often just getting out of bed. I am a single parent and money is very tight. I have always given in to his demands up to now, feeling guilty that he does not have a father figure since we split up a year ago. What can I do?
A. You raise a number of important issues here, which I will address in turn.
First is the matter of your son’s demands for money to buy expensive sports shoes. The interesting feature here is your son’s single minded attitude towards his needs, which is quite a common and recognisable trait. This is referred to by psychologists as egocentricity, meaning that he is focused in on himself as opposed to the wider world around him. Getting him to change quickly is not recommended, as he and many other teens need to pass through this phase, much to the irritation of their parents.
On a practical, as opposed to emotional, level is the need to separate out what is essential and what may be desirable. It is essential to you that your son has shoes, whereas in addition, it is essential to him that he is seen to keep up with peers and current trends (if only the trend was for worn out inexpensive sports shoes!). As with so many issues in the realm of parenting, this calls for a degree of negotiation. Yes, you would have to pay something for footwear, however if he wants to go further and buy expensive shoes, then he needs to add to the basic allowance by working for money or contributing for example in the home. This is not easy to get started, however once the principle is established then it should go ok, and be applicable to other desires as opposed to necessities. Take a look at the sections in my book on image and on dealing with problems.
In terms of guilt, this is your issue and you are the only one who can address it. That it is a real problem is evident, and you are right to raise it. You can work on this, and there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Being a single parent poses significant challenges, and is dealt with in my book together with issues of dealing with feelings such as guilt. You will find the various exercises helpful. You may also wish to consider dealing with this by employing ideas from other single parents. See the section in my book on setting up a self-help group in your area. Good luck.
‘Teenagers: their care and maintenance in captivity’ is available direct from: www.lulu.com or from major online retailers.
Dr Michael Lowry can be contacted by emailing features@algarveresident.com
