How we behave, what we believe, how we see ourselves and others determines the quality of our health and wellbeing and shapes our reality.
How we cope with events, situations and people influences the quality of our relationships in our reality. How we cope is influenced by many factors; some past and some current; how we learned and were taught, how others behaved around us and what behaviours were rewarded or punished all influenced how we developed our coping strategies and defence mechanisms, from the moment we arrived on this planet.
We all perceive, interpret, cope with and react to the world differently. When it comes to coping, we tend to abide by a ‘set programme’; a supply of logged and registered coping strategies we’ve put together since infancy. We all cope better when we have people and resources, such as time, money, technology, know-how and a degree of control we can depend on.
When we cope, we manage or control our reality; when we don’t cope, we distance ourselves from our reality by resorting to defence mechanisms that protect us from a full awareness of unpleasant thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Short-term, this is not all bad; some defence mechanisms can help us process painful experiences or channel our energy more productively, but when used regularly, for long periods, they become problematic, disrupting or destroying the reality we created.
As we get older, our reality gets more complicated with additional possibilities of more disruptions and destruction. In these times, it may be easier for us to shift from coping to a broad set of defence mechanisms, to sustain some morsel of control. This is when we’re inclined to gradually slip into our most primitive automatic defence mechanisms, and spin. How long, how out of control we spin and how much damage we cause while spinning, not only to ourselves but also to our most important relationships, the pillars and foundations of our reality, is up to us.
Our goal in coping must always be to maintain good relationships and keep our reality intact. Although sometimes very difficult, this is always the healthy choice.
Defence mechanisms are described as unconscious impulses primed by our reptilian brain, distracting us from our feelings of threat, insecurity, unpredictability and unacceptable desires. They allow us to ignore, deny, avoid, distort and manipulate the stressor; escape the consequences of the stressor and the realisation that if we are to maintain relationships, preserve our dignity and self-image, we must create a different reality. They’re categorised based on how primitive they are.
Primitive defence mechanisms (defence mechanisms learned in childhood) are favoured by many, especially children; adults who never learned better ways of coping generally resort to primitive defence mechanisms. Although some are effective short-term, unfortunately, the more primitive the less effective they work in the long-term.
Because defence mechanisms are unconscious impulses, most of us don’t realise we’re using them. There are 13 different types of defence mechanisms, divided into primitive, less primitive and mature defence mechanisms. Today, I’m diving into seven primitive defence mechanisms. Do you recognise any of them?
Denial: One of the most primitive defence mechanisms, characteristic of early childhood development. The refusal to accept reality or fact; acting as if painful events, thoughts or feelings don’t exist. Many of us use denial to avoid dealing with painful feelings or areas of our lives we don’t wish to admit. Example: a functioning alcoholic will deny they have a drinking problem by pointing to how well they function in their job and relationships.
Regression: Returning to an earlier stage of psychological development. Example, a teenager overwhelmed with fear may regress to an earlier childhood behaviour of wetting the bed. An adult may regress by refusing to leave their bed and engage in normal, everyday activities.
Acting out: Behaving badly or resorting to violence. Example: instead of saying, “I’m angry with you”, we may throw something at someone, destroy reputations or walk away from responsibilities. Temporary reliefs leading to more destruction.
Dissociation: When we dissociate, we lose track of ourselves, our thought processes and memories; or we present a different version of ourselves to help us endure traumatic events. We “disconnect” from the real world and live in an alternate world not cluttered with unbearable thoughts, feelings and memories, for a period of time. This is a way of coping more associated with freezing rather than fight or flight.
Compartmentalisation: This is when we separate different behaviours and different value systems. Example, we cheat on our tax return while we’re always honest in other financial dealings. We see no hypocrisy in keeping the two value systems separate, or we choose to be oblivious to our inconsistent behaviours.
Projection: We use projection when we cannot accept or express our own thoughts, feelings and desires; and feel uncomfortable with having them. We put our thoughts, feelings and desires onto someone else who does not have these thoughts, feelings or desires, and insist they are the other person’s thoughts, feelings and desires. For example, we may be angry at a partner for not listening to us while, in reality, we do not listen to our partner. Projection is the result of a lack of understanding and acceptance of our own motivations, desires and feelings.
Reaction formation: This is when we switch our unwanted or dangerous thoughts, feelings or impulses into their opposites. Example: a woman who is angry and unhappy with her husband and would like a divorce, expresses before others her undying love for him. She is incapable of expressing her anger and unhappiness and instead becomes overly loving to publicly prove her lack of anger and unhappiness.
Defence mechanisms are complicated; these primitive childhood defence mechanisms have a lot to do with the environment we grew up in. The good news is, we can learn new, mature defence mechanisms that will not only benefit our reality but will keep all our important relationships, the pillars and foundations of our reality, intact.
By Joan Maycock
Joan Maycock MSc Health Psychologist specialised in stress and burnout education, designing, setting up and presenting Stress and Burnout Educational Retreats, Workshops and 1 on 1 sessions for private and corporate groups in Ireland and Portugal.
Tel: 00 351 915 793 592 | Email: eirinnretreats@gmail.com
