By: Paul McKay
Teacher, Paul McKay, left London to live a self-sufficient existence in the Monchique hills with his partner Martyn. He keeps an assortment of animals and grows a variety of crops in an eco-friendly way – all on a limited income.
Wednesday June 6
The annual pig insemination fiasco has now taken place, with the assistance of our reliable vet Ana. When Ana arrived, Martyn accompanied her to the pig terrace to do the deed. From where I stood, toiling the soil, I could hear a great deal of cooing and wooing, followed by more surreal exchanges.
While I have been away in Britain it would appear that Martyn and the pig have become quite close, in that disquieting way that elderly ladies tend to bond with toy poodles. The sweet nothings were soon followed by noises, a little less restrained and then some hysterical screaming and shouting. Martyn was making most of the noise, rather worryingly shouting “no” in a manner that implied yes!
When they returned, Ana, looking startled, told me that Eggs really likes Martyn – nothing else was said but that simple statement and the eye contact said it all.
Friday June 8
It is often stated that there is no one more tiresome than an ex-smoker. Well as an ex-fatty, I think I can give most ex-smokers a good run for their money. Not wishing to labour the point too much, I cannot believe how at 30 kilos lighter (yes 30!), I am able to go about my life so much more efficiently.
Walking, gardening, farm work … everything is so much more manageable without having to cart around a huge gut. Even the nightmare of changing the quilt cover can be done in under an hour without the need for post trauma therapy.
Since losing the weight (did I mention it was 30 kilos), I have managed to eat sensibly and keep up a good exercise programme. I am determined to keep fit but a little worried about how I will be able to continue jogging in the heat of the summer.
Friday June 15
Martyn is in the UK at the moment, catching up with family and friends. As usual I am making the most of this opportunity to sort out our shocking housekeeping arrangements.~
Martyn is one of those people who cannot throw things away – everything may come in handy one day. To make matters worse, he is also one of those people who cannot walk past a bargain in a supermarket without buying in bulk.
To make matters completely intolerable, he is also one of those people whose idea of organisation is to throw anything in any cupboard, slam the door quickly and hope for the best. Consequently the kitchen cupboards are full to bursting point and nobody has a clue what goodies remain in their murky depths.
The pigs and piglets are net beneficiaries with mealtimes being one surprise after another. Cupboard cleaning is also turning out to be far less strenuous as an ex-fatty.
Wednesday June 20
Cupboards done, I have moved on to freezer emptying, which if anything has proved even more rewarding. Among the randomly stored piles of out of date meat, fish, soup and vegetables was one sad little package labelled “Stuffing – Dec 2005”.
We have four freezers and there appears to be absolutely no system whatsoever as to what goes where. Somewhat forlornly, sitting on top of the big freezer, I noticed my “date frozen and eat by” list, untouched since the day I set up the system. As I prepared the dog’s dinner this evening the origins of the expression ‘dog’s dinner’ suddenly became apparent with the array of scraps they were served. Freezer diving is also proving to be less irksome with less kilos as well as quite a good form of exercise.
Tuesday June 26
I knew today was going to be a busy day. I had two appointments and an airport pick-up (my mother – I got the wrong day last time!) plus the usual farm chores.
I could not have predicted how the whole world would conspire to make it more difficult than it needed to be. I rose at 7.30am, sped down to the pig terrace with two buckets of food to be confronted by Eggs, minus her two piglets.
After I spent a few minutes making the food noise, they had still not returned and I began to panic ever so slightly. I was greeted at the bird terrace by the mad guinea fowl screeching louder than usual, the geese honking and a scene of carnage with turned over feeders, hoses spraying etc. Chomping their way through the greenery were the source of this mayhem – the two piglets.
Unable to address the issue due to my first appointment – jogging with a mate on the beach – I walked the dogs, slurped my coffee and sped off. From Monchique to Portimão the new traffic lights pulled a blinder – every set turned to red on sight of my car.
The jog along the beach followed by a refreshing dip was fantastic – summer jogging sorted. I then returned home, dealt with the escapees and went to meet a friend nearby. En route I received a call from a delivery service man with my modem, who was lost and would wait at António’s fruit stall.
After the formalities of exchanging life stories we moved on to discussing the fruit and half an hour after sampling every variety of fruit known to man, I was finally allowed to go.
The rest of the day went by quite smoothly and I even had time for a bit of pruning before meeting mother (on time). I was a little disconcerted to discover that the exotic flower I had noticed a week earlier (and showed others) turned out to be plastic and silk. I vaguely remember putting it there as a joke a few years earlier.
