By BARRIE MAHONEY features@algarveresident.com
Barrie Mahoney was a teacher, headteacher and school inspector in the UK, as well as a reporter in Spain, before moving to the Canary Islands as a newspaper editor. He is still enjoying life in the sun as a writer and author.
One of the many additional hassles of returning to the UK, even for a fleeting visit, are the security checks.
Yes, I know that these checks are essential to thwart the potential terrorist who intends to attack a plane armed with little more than nail scissors and baby teething gel. However, I do wonder why it is me who is nearly always frisked.
I can see the security officers ‘eyeing me up’ as I enter the ‘control zone’ and I have yet to discover whether it is because I look shifty or whether they just find me irresistible in some way and cannot wait to get their hands on me!
Anyway, whatever the reason, I do find it mildly annoying, although often entertaining, and I just hope that they warm their hands first and get it over with as quickly as possible.
This time, I approached the Gatwick security zone with supreme confidence. Yes, I had remembered to remove my watch, removed loose change and keys from my pocket, removed my belt (is this really necessary?) and checked for surprise eye piercings, nose studs or anything else that I might have overlooked and that just might set off their sensitive security system.
It was all to no avail because as I walked through the magic electronic archway, a piecing alarm sounded and I was duly stopped in my tracks, firmly yet politely, by a burly, but not unattractive, security officer.
“Now what are you hiding in there?” he began pleasantly, while I resisted the temptation to refer to a Kalashnikov hidden in my Marks and Spencer’s undies.
Yes, I know that such comments are unnecessary and potentially dangerous, but nevertheless I suddenly had an urge similar to that experienced by many – that of pulling the communication chord on the Orient Express or maybe the 16.45 from King’s Cross. I smiled benignly and said nothing.
“Well, we’ll just give you a quick once over, sir,” he grinned, prodding me with a large instrument and waving it around my body like a magic wand. The alarm bleeped again. The security officer looked puzzled. He then discovered my mobile phone in a side pocket, which I duly removed both humbly and apologetically.
“Never mind, sir. It happens,” he said pleasantly, waving his magic wand around me once more. “I see you have an iPhone. They are great gadgets, aren’t they?” The alarm bleeped once again. “Now then, sir. You having games with me? Keys? Cash, any hidden piercings that I should know about?” I didn’t like the way that he said “hidden”, with a smirk, and I shook my head wincing at the very thought of a Prince Albert, although I did wonder how one would get through security if one actually did have this rather painful addition to the natural order.
The security officer once again waved his weapon around my body furiously, but sadly I still bleeped. This was it; I was about to be strip-searched.
“Hmm,” he looked puzzled. “Maybe it is your trousers.” He rubbed his hands up and down my trousers once again. “Yes, I can see a couple of small studs on the pockets, maybe that is the problem.” He prodded me firmly rather like a farmer does to a bullock before sending the poor creature off to the butcher. “Yes, I am sure that is it. I think I can let you go.”
I heaved a sigh of relief and thanked the security officer profusely after, not for the first time, imagining that I would be taken off to some nearby room and inspected closely with the aid of rubber gloves.
I shuddered at the thought although no doubt it depends upon exactly who is officiating.
“Next time, I’ll have all your clothes off,” he grinned. Once again, I was speechless, but made up my mind that the next time I was in Gatwick Airport I would ensure that I was wearing a new pair of Calvin Kleins and not Marks and Spencer’s thermals!
© Barrie Mahoney
If you enjoyed this article, take a look at Barrie’s websites: www.barriemahoney.com and www.thecanaryislander.com or read his latest novel, ‘Journeys and Jigsaws’
