First of all, I would tell my young version to invest in skirts with elastic waistbands. Not as a metaphor, mind you, though it could be, if I were the sort to disguise life lessons in poetic abstraction. No, I mean, literal elastic, because one fine day, a few decades down the line, you discover that metabolism is not your permanent friend but a seasonal acquaintance who leaves without notice, taking your hourglass figure along, as emotional baggage.
Also, never trust any haircut that requires the phrase – it will settle in a few days, because that will never happen. It will rise, revolt, and occasionally migrate and there will be photographs recorded for posterity that will resurface at family gatherings precisely when one is attempting to appear dignified or successful.
Then, learn the fine art of saying ‘no’. Somehow, just do it, even if it involves several sets of trial and error. Not the polite, apologetic ‘no’ that sounds like an invitation to renegotiate, but the firm, satisfying negative, which closes doors, and preserves sanity.
You will otherwise spend alarming portions of your adult life attending events you neither understand nor enjoy, eating snacks you did not choose, while making small talk with people whose name you will never remember.
Furthermore, keep track of passwords. All of them. Write them down, store them safely, and resist the childish urge to make them clever. Nothing gets erased from memory faster than a password inspired by a college crush or a band one no longer admits to liking. Believe me, it’s true.
And before I forget, let me emphasise the importance of stretching. Stretch before exercise, after exercise, and occasionally during emotionally stressful phone calls as well. Otherwise, your body will eventually rebel, the knees will file complaints, and the back will go on strike.
Additionally, call your parents more often than you think necessary. Not because it is a duty, which it is, but time has a habit of accelerating just when you begin to feel comfortable and suddenly there is no more of it left and that is one regret that you will carry to your grave.
Finally, be kinder to yourself. You will make mistakes that feel enormous and permanent but most of them will shrink with time. Life, it turns out, is less a grand plan and more a series of chaotic improvisations held together by snacks, good people, comedy shows and the occasional nap.
Perhaps also learn to drink more water, though this advice might be ignored until someone mentions kidney stones. Finally, most importantly, if possible, learn to laugh at your own absurdities. It is a skill that can be acquired freely and makes one better equipped at handling both calamity as well as ecstasy.
“Works at both ends of the spectrum?” my younger self asks my older version in a parallel universe.
“Almost always,” I assure the voice in my head.
“What chance of failure?” the younger me persists.
“Practically nil,” I reply laughing at both versions of myself.
Read Nickunj Malik’s last month’s article: Being water
